This blog is anonymous, and anyone reading this will have no idea who I am. This has its pros and cons of course. I have no idea if I’ll ever trust any of the people I know in real life enough to show them this blog. Thsn again, my next door neighbour could be reading this and I’d have no idea, or my future employers might be able to track this back to me and see that I’m blogging about sweatshirts and being lazy, which could end pretty badly. But! There’s also the fact that I, in all my non-eggxistant (see what I did there) glory, can talk about my feelings and opinions to an actual audience, without any of them knowing who I am. Which means I can talk about my sexuality and gender without having to come out.
[side note: The lesbian flag is so cute????? Like woah??? Rainbow who???]
My sexuality and gender isn’t actually that complicated. I’m not straight. But I am cisgender. With a very fluid gender expression. Maybe it is a little complicated. This isn’t really supposed to be a coming out story. OK. I’ll explain it in one sentence.
I’m a girl, who was born with a vagina, that looks kind of like a boy, but kind of like a girl too,who also fancies girls.
Yeah that pretty much sums it up. End of blog.
That would have been so little work.
I used to really pride myself on being gay. I used to admin LGBT accounts on social media and basically just emit a gay rainbow everywhere I went. So much so that I became a bit of a straight hater. I literally put gay people above straights and called it ‘equality’.
Equality means nobody is higher up then anyone else because of something they can’t change.
I was basically a huge jerk that nobody liked.
But then!! Something big happened. Something that completely changed my life. My friends turned around and called me a heterophobic jerk. And back then I was outraged. I’d never been so angry. And upset. But now, all I can do is thank them for it. Life lesson: Don’t let your friend be assholes!! Its your job to make sure they are happy and not an ass, just as it’s their’s to do the same for you. Important!!
Now I’m a lot different. At the time, I tried to be straight. I tried to feel less gay. To look at boys how I longed to look at girls. I failed miserably, but I’ll never forget the time my gay pride went from 100 to minus 100 with one sentence. Now I’m at about minus twenty five.
Sometimes I look at boys and I find myself trying to like them. Seeing them, acknowledging they’re what heterosexual girls find stereotypically attractive, and trying to find sexual want. But it’s never the same as with girls. I suppose I should give an example to make this less wordy and also so you have a better idea on what I’m going on about.
I was at a very close friend’s party recently. Let’s call her Spaniel because we both have spaniels and I don’t know. So I was at Spaniel’s house with some of my other best friends and Spaniel decided to watch her favourite movie, ‘St Turions’. I, at the time, had never seen the movie. Neither had one of my best friends, who we’ll call Mustard for the sake of anonymity.
Mustard is a heterosexual, and I am a homosexual. I don’t normally have a favourite character in movies I have only seen once, but this was love at first sight. Or attraction at first sight?
I had the hots for the character Kelly:
(I mean.. How couldn’t you have the hots for her?!)
Whereas Mustard, had a thing for Colin Firth:
Prior to this I’d only ever seen Colin Firth in a few roles, the most memorable of which being Mr. Darcy (Pride And Prejudice) from the BBC version. After being informed that Mustard had a thing for Colin, I myself, looked at him differently. I basically tried to see what all the fuss was about, and relate.
Of course, I didn’t really care for him, but there will always be this uncertainty when it comes to my sexuality.
My gender is even more confusing. I think it’s my hair. It makes me look like a stereotypical boy. Or at least a lot less like a girl. Its short in a pixie cut and very curly. Because of this, I often get called he/him. A few memorable moments where my hair has made me feel very dysphoric:
- I was in a Chinese Restraunt, and I really needed the bathroom. I asked a waitress where the bathroom was, and she directed me upstairs. When I got up there, the only toilet there was the men’s. That’s the closest I’ve come to crying in a very long time.
- One time I was walking through a bus station and a boy from a different school asked me if I was a girl or a boy. Obviously this wouldn’t have been a problem, if I hadn’t have been wearing a skirt and a girl’s coat at the time, and his tone was obviously mocking, not ignoring the stereotypes.
- Our school was having a fancy dress day and I went as a Pikachu. When waiting for a bus, a gaggle of girls came over giggling and said ‘Eww are you a girl or a boy?!”. Of course being the sassy little Pokénerd I am, I say “Umm.. I’m a pikachu?!”. I earned a laugh from one of my friends, and felt happier afterwards. But what they said still hurt.
- My RE teacher left before the start of a new school term, so we had a new one. He called me over by saying ‘Come over here, boy!’. The entire class laughed at me, but the teacher didn’t quite catch on. A little while after he praised my work by saying, ‘If only all boys could have as neater handwriting as you, nice work boy.’. I mumbled, ‘I’m a girl..’ But he didn’t respond. I’m pretty sure he heard me though as he referred to me as a girl after that.
- I was in a shop buying sweets with Mustard, and an older boy called her a pigface, and me a shemale. Of course he got what he deserved, but that was when I first felt uncomfortable walking around school.
- I was at a friend’s birthday party, and the waitress was giving out pizzas. Side fact: Pizza is my favourite food and I could eat it till I die. Well, me and this girl both ordered the same flavour. The waitress only had one of the pizzas in her hands, and handed it to the girl and said ‘Ladies first’. I tried to laugh it off, but that was the first time I’d been misgendered. I ended up crying in the bathroom till I felt sick.
Ok, I’m feeling sad now remembering all these times… Let’s move on.
Well, basically, I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy. I’ve always liked Pokémon and trousers, rather than makeup and dresses. I’ve really only just started wearing makeup, and I wear dresses sparsely. I never really played girly games, and I even joined an all-boys football club. I was always very masculine.
But that’s all I am. A masculine girl. A tomboy. A Butch lesbian.
And even then, I’m definitely more of a chapstick lesbian. I do like my girly things too, even if I didn’t as a child. I’ve always knew I wasn’t like other girls, but I don’t think that was my gender really. Because then they wouldn’t be ‘other’ girls.
Well, now you know a little bit about me, comment your own gender and sexuality down below! Comment if you have any questions about sexuality and gender and I’ll try and answer as best I can.
That’s all for today.
This is EggyBlogs.